The Quiet Innocence

Do you ever get that feeling when everything around you is so quiet that you could hear a pin drop, but you feel like you could take on the world? No? Oh, well I guess that's just me but the last few nights have been that way for me. I guess it really started though on Friday night, I was working the closing shift and as I walked out the door on a delivery I could just feel the calm around me. The dark has an effect on me that I can't quite describe. I don't feel rushed, and I feel so much more calm at night than I do during the day. Friday night as I was walking out of the store it was snowing lightly I believe, the parking lot was lit by lamps and it was quiet. The parking lot is never quiet and I just felt this reassurance that everything would settle down soon. Settle down as in I would get into a good routine with school and work. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and can't brush the feeling that I'm somehow going to forget something, or something's going to blow up in my face. But these nights, reassure me that everything is possible. I love to go out at night and just sit in the silence and take it all in, streets are quiet and I can be alone with my thoughts(as much as I hate that phrase, it's true.) I don't like to talk to others about my thoughts, and I rarely ever externalize my thoughts unless I'm ranting about something.

From now on I'm calling those nights "Quiet Innocence" where the night is young, and I feel good about myself. Sometimes it's those kind of nights that get me through the week. Friday night as I was walking out of the store, I was a little frazzled because of the homework I knew I needed to get done, but I realized at that moment that if I just breathe everything will work itself out.

I need more of these nights in my life. Where I can just sit outside and enjoy the stars, the moon, and my thoughts. Unfortunately it looks like that might be a few months before I will willingly go outside at night.

Friends are Beautiful

School makes me broke

Well after just the first three days of school I've decided by the end of the program I'm going to be broke. There are so many things I want to buy, like accessories for my camera, a new (virus free) computer, and photoshop. Some of these I might be able to get a little cheaper, but not by much.

Aside from that the first week went well. I guess right now I can't really judge how the rest of the semester will go. I am however a little nervous, I know it sounds weird that I'm nervous but I am. I'm nervous I won't succeed and if I don't I don't know what I would do next. Really what makes me the most nervous is all the equipment I have to memorize. I know I'll be able to do it, but it is a very daunting task right now. But I swear with all my classes combined I killed about 9 trees! Good lord there were so many sheets of paper!

For my benefit!

This post is more for myself but I thought I might as well post it here. But this is all about my journey of weight loss and what has come of it. The picture on the left was taken in June, and at that point I don't think I had really started to lose all that much weight. And the picture on the left is of me 30 pounds lighter, the pictures aren't at the same exact angle but pretty close, and I strategically wore the same shirt so I could see the difference.

Before this entire journey of losing weight I wasn't exactly a fan of myself, whenever I would look down and see this huge gut I would always think to myself "man, you are fat." Now when I look down I still see a pretty big gut but I know that I'm at least doing something about it. And I'm PROUD of myself, that's not something I could have said a few months ago! I work out somewhere between 2-4 days a week now. And I eat when I'm hungry (meaning two meals a day)

I went into the doctor a week ago to check in with all the medications I'm on just so she could make sure they were working, and then I got some lab work done. Well my tests came back and all were in the normal range! This is huge, way back in may when I first found out about PCOS and got a mile long list of tests done my liver functions were 3x what the normal should have been. Along with that my testosterone levels were a little high and they are also in the normal range now! This is all really exciting for me. I know I have a long way to go before I reach a "normal" weight for a girl my size, but I'm not pushing it, I feel like it'll come eventually and getting there will take time and I'm willing to wait I guess!

2011, oh what a year it has been!

Well 2011 has been one very interesting year. A lot more struggles than I thought I would have! I feel like it was just one struggle after another, with a few really good moments. Some of the struggles being stuff I talked about on here, like when I got diagnosed with PCOS, and finally grasped that concept, I quit school and had no idea what I wanted to do, and then after I finally figured out what I was going to do with my life, I got diagnosed with depression. All of which, I have now come to terms with, and I'm doing well now. I feel like I'm in a better place than I was just a few months ago.

The start of 2011 was a good time, I was still in school with some of the best people I know, and I was really enjoying dorm life(for the most part, mainly the people.) It's amazing what can happen in a year. And I'm really looking forward to moving on past all of this medical stuff, and looking forward to what I hope to be a really great year.

This past summer, as crazy as it was I really enjoyed it. I actually for the most part enjoyed working 70 hours a week. I enjoyed the time I got to spend with my dad every day, and the week long vacation to St. Louis with my parents. Although they might not have always enjoyed my company I really enjoyed the week just me and them. And my mission trip was one of the best to date. I got a pretty neat battle scar and met some truly amazing people.

I'm starting school again, I'm going on a mission trip, going to a few concerts and I hope to still be surrounded by great people by the end of the year.


I would post pictures but I don't have any since my laptop is out of commission (also why I haven't really written much lately,) so here's to hoping for the best that they can be retrieved so I can share some of my favorite moments of 2011!

And here's to a much better, less stressful year!