Stuck between a rock and a hard place

So as it turns out this whole not knowing what I want to do with life is really troublesome. It's pretty much head vs. heart at this point. My head and the logical part of me says that I should stay here for the semester hopefully do better in my classes and help my GPA a little bit, but my heart is really really yearning for home at this point. I don't really understand what's going on. I've never missed home this much and I don't really know what's happened, whether it's because I spent a fair amount of time with my parents this summer or whether it's because I've started to realize who people are here. As in the people I thought were my friends last year, definitely don't seem to be the same people this year/got into some things that I definitely don't like this summer.
I'm stuck in that place where I feel like in order for me to be happy, I need to follow my heart, but I also feel like it's sensible for me to stay here and try and be happy, but it's not something you can force. To be honest here, the only time I feel happy is when I'm hanging out with friends.

I also have to say that I'm not really all that happy with my classes this semester, the only one I truly like is Archeology(but that might be because my adviser is the professor) otherwise, the other two are filling gen ed's and while I need to have these to graduate I just feel really defeated. Archeology is also one of the times I feel happy to be back here, because two of my friends are in the class with me, and it's just nice to see them at a consistent rate.

I'm going home this weekend to talk all this out with my parents but I feel like this week has been the longest week of my life, and that I can't wait for the weekend so I can see them!

I've also been looking at other colleges and not a lot of colleges have Anthropology as a major, but now I've been thinking about maybe I want to be a history major and work in a museum but you can also do that with an Anthropology degree, so really it comes down to what I want to do with my life, but of course I don't actually know what I want to do with my life. And everyone tells you that at 19 you don't need to know what you want to do, but I feel like in order for me not to waste money and in order to finish college at a decent time I do need to know and soon. Within looking at other colleges I've also been thinking that maybe I should live at home and a)save on expenses and b) I won't be able to get homesick then.


And because most of my posts have been all words lately here's a picture for you:






I found this quote on the internet a few days ago, and I feel like I need to live by these words but it's hard to do right now.

The Thinker

Yes, I've been obsessively thinking about anything and everything lately. Mainly life and my classes here, whether this is truly where I should be right now, whether I should transfer, whether college is right for me(at least a four year), and the amount that I'm missing being home and the people that are there.

Never in my life have I been this homesick, I feel like I didn't miss my family as much last year but maybe I did but just didn't recognize the feelings. And I'm not sure if it's where I'm at now surrounding wise, and that I don't have all my friends on the same floor(which sounds crazy, but the thought has crossed my mind) or whether it's just that this truly isn't where I'm suppose to be, and if it isn't then where am I suppose to be? I've been thinking a lot about whether I should transfer, or whether I think this is just a "phase" that I'm going through(which I doubt.)

Right now, I'm still thinking a four year is the right move but I have no idea, maybe anthropology isn't what I want to do, but honestly the only subject I consistently got good grades in in high school was History, so if not anthro, then it's got to be history. When I'm hanging out with friends here, I don't miss home but obviously I'm not hanging out with friends all the time so when I'm not my thoughts can turn to home and then I get homesick, it's just a vicious circle that I don't want to be in.

This weekend I'm going home, it's funny how I thought I wasn't going to go home until October and then I got here and became homesick and am now going home two weeks into the school year. I'm so looking forward to it, like as soon as I decided I was going home I was so excited.
I called my mom this past Thursday and it was the best phone call I've ever had we didn't talk for that long but it was exactly what I needed and I just liked hearing her voice. =]

I'm officially dropping one of my classes, it just was definitely not what I expected it to be, and I think life will be a lot easier without the class. However I'm still searching for a class to fill it with, and haven't found anything of interest yet, and I'm hoping if I do take just 12 credits I won't be bored this semester.

For now, it's time for homework.

PCOS

Well, this post has been a long time in the making I started it on June 13th and have no definite time line of when I'll be publishing it, but it's something that's been on my mind since the moment I found out, and often consumes my thoughts late at night before bed.

I got diagnosed with PCOS on May 26th, the day before my birthday. I also found out I have insulin resistance, which means my pancreas has to pump out twice as much insulin to break down sugars/glucose, which apparently can lead to type 2 diabetes, so at some point in life there's potential for me to become diabetic. Looking back on it, I probably had PCOS at the age of 15/16.

This isn't really something I had on my "to-do" list of summer, nor was it something I ever really imagined I'd have to deal with. Since I was diagnosed I was put on meds to help with the insulin resistance and will soon start others so to regulate my body again, but at the ripe age of 19 it's generally not something I want to deal with. Through the past 3 months of summer I've more readily come to terms with this diagnosis, and been able to accept the fact that this is something that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. I truly am okay with this diagnosis, there are millions of people that have more severe health problems than this.

On top of this diagnosis, I have elevated liver tests, so that might just mean I have a "fatty liver" (meaning there could be fat deposits within my liver) or there are other possibilities too. My doctor is trying to find me a nutritionist, honestly? I didn't even know she was looking for one until I called today, and I'm not really sure what they're suppose to do with me but I haven't really inquired further about it either. In about 4 weeks I'm going to see an endocrinologist and I'm hoping that she'll have some answers of what I can do. I know one thing you can do it lose weight, and I've been doing that. I don't eat a lot anymore, I honestly just am rarely hungry. I eat breakfast and dinner, and that's it usually I don't have time for lunch so I just have a small snack to make me last until dinner. I know it's not the "healthiest" thing to do but it works for me. Although I don't know how I last from breakfast( usually around 9:45) until dinner(around 6:00) without being hungry but then end up usually going to bed hungry. It's odd, but it works.


Update 3 months later:
It's August 26th and I plan on finally publishing this.
I've officially come to terms about this diagnosis, and have continued to take meds that help me. As it turns out I do just have a fatty liver and nothing else wrong with it, I'm not sure but the meds they put me on can screw up my kidney so I'm assuming that they'll do regular tests on my kidneys to make sure nothing is going wrong with them.

I went and saw a nutritionist on the 18th, and was put on a diabetic diet because of my insulin resistance, so now I am counting carbs and losing weight although being back at school as been one of the hardest parts of this whole thing, I can't serve myself a meal so now I'm just guessing how many carbs are in what they serve.


And that is mostly the story of what I've been doing this summer besides working!

Day 3

A picture of you that was taken over 10 years ago.
Awww, supa cute!

Oh how time flies

Well in a week I'll be moving back to school. I have no idea where summer went, but I guess working does that. Although I'm proud of myself that I've managed to have more fun than I did last summer. I literally worked doubles 5 out of 7 days a week last summer, and while I'm working more this summer I was hell-bent on having more fun. Last summer I went to a concert and went on a mission trip, in 3 months that's all I did. So I decided that yes, I deserve more fun than that this summer and I'm proud to say that it happened.

Just earlier today I got back from a week vacation to St. Louis, and it was a blast to not have to wake up at 4:30am, or have to work 14 hour days. I went to bed at 11:30 and woke between 8:30-10 every day. IT WAS GLORIOUS.

Although, I truly am looking forward to going back to school, for real it's been too long since I've seen turbines, or millions of cows in a field. Or my favorite triangular house...

my summer in a nutshell(a concert)

THIS WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!!! Seriously, my friend and I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert back in June, and it was the best time of my life!!

my summer in pictures(Mission Trip edition)

Well, I haven't had a chance to really do a lot this summer due to working so much, but the times that I do have a chance to do stuff it's so awesome. This was back in June, and these people I met were some of the best people I've ever met. I love mission trips because usually everyone wants to be there, and they all love working(especially the last two years, where it's been hard manual labor!) I can't say enough good things about these people! The weeks I go on my mission trips are probably my favorite week out of my entire summer


Me and Kody!
The guy on the bottom right, is Aaron and the guy standing next to me is Keith Two of the most awesome, most genuine guys I've ever met in my life!


After 6

years of knowing each other Troy and I finally got a picture together! =]Sam, me and Kody!

My truly awesome adult leader, Jon! It was his first mission trip, but he was so good!