I kind of tortured him. =]
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Friends, and self worth.
It's funny how two posts can be so insanely different. This is about a wonderful friend.
Sometimes people amaze me. As you all know I'm involved in this program called TEC and a month ago I went on a weekend and I met this guy named Steve, and we became fast friends.
And later on you'll see how that plays into the story.
For a really long time I've struggled with self worth, and self-confidence. I never feel like I'm worth that much and I know that i shouldn't feel this way, in fact I know that i'm worth a lot. But confidence always evades me. This was at an all time long before I got diagnosed with depression and got on meds for it. I struggle daily with self image, worth and confidence. My self image has a lot to do with my weight, I've been trying to get back on my diet that I'm suppose to follow so that I don't become diabetic and so that my pancreas doesn't have to work so hard, and I've been working out on a regular basis, and not a single pound has come off. I know that it shouldn't be about losing weight and instead about being healthy but I would think that those kind of go hand in hand, especially at the weight I'm at. The being worth something part has a lot to do with school, as a kid I was always teased at school because I wasn't good at something, or that I was quiet and didn't like to publicize my life to everyone, or because I was bigger than pretty much everyone in my grade. Both weight wise and height wise.
At TEC we share about our struggles and mostly it has to do with your relationship with God. But I decided that my biggest insecurity, or thing I needed help with in life, was my self worth/image. At the end of the weekend we have small group sharing sessions and Steve was in my group.
At the end of our sharing time we can pray for whatever we feel like so we prayed for someone that was really struggling on the weekend and then Steve says "I'd like to pray for my new friend Linnea" and then he prayed that I would always feel worthy of people's love and other such things.
I've never had someone pray for me directly like that, I was just so blown away that someone could feel such love for me in such a short amount of time that he felt the need to pray for me. I mean I know my parents have prayed for me but not outward like that. It was just such an awesome feeling.
------
Something that still had to do with the weekend, 9 times out of 10 I will become friends with guys, and generally older. My 3 "best" friends of the weekend were Steve, Tim, and Chuck, all of which were 30 or older. They all helped me just forget about everything and have fun that weekend, it was something I really needed.
And with that some friends are so beautiful, and are put into my life at just the right time.
Sometimes people amaze me. As you all know I'm involved in this program called TEC and a month ago I went on a weekend and I met this guy named Steve, and we became fast friends.
And later on you'll see how that plays into the story.
For a really long time I've struggled with self worth, and self-confidence. I never feel like I'm worth that much and I know that i shouldn't feel this way, in fact I know that i'm worth a lot. But confidence always evades me. This was at an all time long before I got diagnosed with depression and got on meds for it. I struggle daily with self image, worth and confidence. My self image has a lot to do with my weight, I've been trying to get back on my diet that I'm suppose to follow so that I don't become diabetic and so that my pancreas doesn't have to work so hard, and I've been working out on a regular basis, and not a single pound has come off. I know that it shouldn't be about losing weight and instead about being healthy but I would think that those kind of go hand in hand, especially at the weight I'm at. The being worth something part has a lot to do with school, as a kid I was always teased at school because I wasn't good at something, or that I was quiet and didn't like to publicize my life to everyone, or because I was bigger than pretty much everyone in my grade. Both weight wise and height wise.
At TEC we share about our struggles and mostly it has to do with your relationship with God. But I decided that my biggest insecurity, or thing I needed help with in life, was my self worth/image. At the end of the weekend we have small group sharing sessions and Steve was in my group.
At the end of our sharing time we can pray for whatever we feel like so we prayed for someone that was really struggling on the weekend and then Steve says "I'd like to pray for my new friend Linnea" and then he prayed that I would always feel worthy of people's love and other such things.
I've never had someone pray for me directly like that, I was just so blown away that someone could feel such love for me in such a short amount of time that he felt the need to pray for me. I mean I know my parents have prayed for me but not outward like that. It was just such an awesome feeling.
------
Something that still had to do with the weekend, 9 times out of 10 I will become friends with guys, and generally older. My 3 "best" friends of the weekend were Steve, Tim, and Chuck, all of which were 30 or older. They all helped me just forget about everything and have fun that weekend, it was something I really needed.
And with that some friends are so beautiful, and are put into my life at just the right time.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
"Friends"
Friends are a funny thing. It's funny how friendships ebb and flow. And then how sometimes something happens and it all falls apart. Friends have always been a hard thing for me. I make friends easily enough but then maintaining it is hard. I'm a super shy person and within my friendships I'm always the one reaching out and trying to hang out and I'm sick of it. I tell myself over and over again that I'm done trying to make something work but then I catch myself trying over and over again. And this is where the story begins.
I love concerts, and anyone that reads this blog or knows me in real life knows that. I asked one of my really good friends to go to the Muse concert with me that's happening this Thursday, his answer was "well I don't know if I have the money, and I don't know if I want to go to 2 concerts in 2 days" so I told him to think about it and get back to me, low and behold about 2 weeks later I find out he's going to the concert with someone else, because tickets were free. This pretty much pissed me off to no end. Free tickets? Yeah I'm all for that, EXCEPT when someone else asks first. (sidenote: I hold grudges because it's my way of protecting myself) so I was hurt and pissed. I eventually forgave him, although there will now always be a seed of doubt in my mind about him. We moved on.
Well today, he wrote a status on Facebook and one of our mutual friends commented and then I got in on the conversation, and of course to be cool original friend starts agreeing with mutual friend and they both start ganging up on me, and one thing leads to another, and i feel like crap. (there will be a post on self image/worth later this month) I hate that original friend has to do this EVERY time mutual friend is around.
Mutual friend and I went to high school together and were actually pretty friends, still are, but those two together can be pretty hurtful.
SO all this, to say. I'm done. I'm done with being nice to original friend. Sure, I will be friendly to him, but our friendship is no longer. I don't want to hang out with him, I don't want to really even talk to him but I kind of have to. I'm going to a concert with him this friday (which was decided before all of this drama) and then after that, I'm cutting as many ties as possibly.
I hate that loyalty is part of my personality I will give you so many chances and be so loyal it's ridiculous however, being screwed over so many times, I just really can't deal with it anymore.
*Sorry names weren't used in this story. I hope you were still able to understand it without names.
I love concerts, and anyone that reads this blog or knows me in real life knows that. I asked one of my really good friends to go to the Muse concert with me that's happening this Thursday, his answer was "well I don't know if I have the money, and I don't know if I want to go to 2 concerts in 2 days" so I told him to think about it and get back to me, low and behold about 2 weeks later I find out he's going to the concert with someone else, because tickets were free. This pretty much pissed me off to no end. Free tickets? Yeah I'm all for that, EXCEPT when someone else asks first. (sidenote: I hold grudges because it's my way of protecting myself) so I was hurt and pissed. I eventually forgave him, although there will now always be a seed of doubt in my mind about him. We moved on.
Well today, he wrote a status on Facebook and one of our mutual friends commented and then I got in on the conversation, and of course to be cool original friend starts agreeing with mutual friend and they both start ganging up on me, and one thing leads to another, and i feel like crap. (there will be a post on self image/worth later this month) I hate that original friend has to do this EVERY time mutual friend is around.
Mutual friend and I went to high school together and were actually pretty friends, still are, but those two together can be pretty hurtful.
SO all this, to say. I'm done. I'm done with being nice to original friend. Sure, I will be friendly to him, but our friendship is no longer. I don't want to hang out with him, I don't want to really even talk to him but I kind of have to. I'm going to a concert with him this friday (which was decided before all of this drama) and then after that, I'm cutting as many ties as possibly.
I hate that loyalty is part of my personality I will give you so many chances and be so loyal it's ridiculous however, being screwed over so many times, I just really can't deal with it anymore.
*Sorry names weren't used in this story. I hope you were still able to understand it without names.
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