I'm tired of feeling crappy, I don't feel it all the time but I get down on myself a lot because I know I could be making better choices but it's just so much easier to make the crappy ones. I'm tired of looking down and seeing this big gut and then seeing pictures of skinny minis and being jealous when really, they're skinny both because they work out and because of their genetics. I can't really say anyone in my family both immediate or extended is a skinny mini, so genetics isn't really working for me. And by that i mean no one in my family is a size 0. When I look in the mirror though, I don't see a fat person I see someone that could lose a little weight. I feel like I should see a fat person though, because for my age I know I'm overweight, heck maybe even "obese" I don't really pay attention to what my weight should be at for my age and height but I know it's not what I'm at right now. Would I love to lose weight? Yeah absolutely, but I don't want to do it by becoming some crazy lady that works out all the time, and eats next to nothing. I need to figure out a way that I can lose weight that works for me. Which probably means getting back on my diet.
A year and half ago, I was put on a "diet." It was when I was diagnosed with PCOS and Insulin Resistance, where my pancreas had to work twice as hard to break down sugars. It was more of a pre-cautionary thing because I was classified as pre-diabetic, so in order to not become diabetic I was put on a diabetic diet. Meaning my carb intake had to be no more than 60g per meal. I was doing really well for a long time probably 6 months. Then I just got sick of having to monitor everything I ate and just kind of stopped. But in that time I lost 30 pounds, since then? Yeah not one single pound has been dropped. And at that i'm angry at myself for stopping. A lot of my health problems went away or decreased as I lost those 30 pounds and as an incentive my parents added that every 10 pounds I lost they would by me something that I wanted, and what teenager could pass that up? So I saved my "points" and at 30 pounds I bought some fleece and made myself a fleece blanket, and maybe in my head after that 30 pounds I thought that I didn't need to lose anymore because well that was a pretty big number. I'm wrong, I don't feel healthy and that's going to change.
Since last January I stopped working out. It's kind of because I started school and that was my excuse not to work out. I was too busy. Well in November I kind of started again, really sporadically but it was something. And now I want to continue. As much as I absolutely hate working out I know it's good for me. Well actually no, I don't hate it, but i hate to sweat. So in this new year, I'm making myself workout my goal would be to start with 3 times a week, will I be able to do it? Maybe. But I'm not going to beat myself up if I only go twice. And I'm going to start counting carbs again. Whether I like it or not.
Another reason I want to do this is because this summer I want to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. I don't want to see a big gut when I look at myself.
There it's written down and now I have to start doing it.
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